Work it Out: Marriage Counseling Criticisms

Every year, countless couples joyfully declare, “til death do us part”. Sadly, the statistics speak differently. Results from the 2010 Census show that the divorce rate in America has grown steadily, and now hovers around 50%. This has been explained by some as a sign of degrading family values, and by others as a sign of growing stressors in everyday life, but it may also demonstrate a rising awareness of marital problems. Couples do not just go from being happily married to being divorced in an instant – it takes time and often, deep issues for a marriage to reach the point where divorce becomes inevitable. After a couple realizes that something is very wrong, many of them will seek marriage counseling to solve their problems and save the marriage. Though counseling may be beneficial for some, marriage counseling, in particular, has come under some scrutiny.

A growing trend has seen many people who choose to live together while unmarried as a step preceding engagement or marriage. While it seems that its effects ma be to prevent a couple from entering an incompatible marriage, the divorce rate has only grown as this trend has increased. Even communities or individuals with religious values may end up in a marriage that turns out to be unhealthy in the long run. Couples that enter marriage prematurely may need to seek marriage counseling when they realize the relationship does not work.

Marriage counselors never offer a one-size-fits-all remedy when meeting with couples. Each case is different, as are the personalities of the couples in counseling, and occasionally, counseling may not resolve every unhappy marriage. Many people go into counseling with preconceived notions of what they will be asked to do, or with unrealistic expectations of an easy cure, or with low expectations and pessimism. No one’s ideas are wholly incorrect, but such situations cause skeptics to question the effectiveness of marriage counseling.

Retired author Paul Friedman, after going through his own messy divorce, emerged from retirement to become a marriage mediator for troubled couples, with his own interesting perspective. In his article “Marriage Counseling Doesn’t Work”, Friedman writes, “the chances of you having a successful and super happy marriage are extremely high”, suggesting that the divorce rate should be something closer to three percent, rather than the nearly 50% it really is. The main point of Friedman’s article implies that although some studies found that 75% of couples found it beneficial, marriage counseling is an “illegitimate” business. He compares counseling sessions to appliance repair, and concludes that marriage counselors are running an elaborate scheme to make marriage worse for the people they are hired to help. Though he could not save his own marriage, Friedman offers a series of advice for keeping a marriage successful, the last of which is “don’t give up”, because if giving up makes a marriage unsuccessful by default.

Though many of Friedman’s conclusions are based on his personal, subjective experience rather than actual evidence, many individuals, including marriage counselors, offer thoughtful and legitimate criticisms of marriage counseling, or more specifically, choosing the right counselor. Dr. Willard Harley, Jr., a professional marriage counselor, suggests that marriage counseling may actually be detrimental to the sustainability of the marriage itself, often due to marriage counselors who do more harm than good. Harley suggests that lack of formal training may be a serious issue with many marriage counselors. He finds incompetency (an inability to address the needs of the clients) and neutrality (the idea that counselors must offer no personal opinions) to be two of the biggest downfalls for marriage counselors, and advises couples to do research and ask questions before choosing the best possible counselor.

Though there is no certain “right” way to save a marriage, couples can take specific steps in the right direction. Because many married couples may not be entirely compatible, which can lead to an unhappy marriage, counseling can be beneficial for finding better ways to resolve problems and understand your spouse. Though Friedman’s 3% divorce rate seems idealistic, not all unhappy marriages are doomed to fail, and marriage counseling can be a beneficial experience to some couples looking for help.